I'm at the point in my life where I believe it is near impossible to satisfy everyone. My entire life, and more so the past 4 years, I have been trying to impress and satisfy everyone that I love. The result? Making myself absolutely miserable. It sucks because there are so many people in my life that I would just love to make happy - but no matter what I do, I'm just not good enough and I seem to let someone down somehow, all of the time. It's disappointing that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try - I've just been failing.

I wish I could make them understand, that their disappointment in me -- eats at my soul. Maybe it's time for me to grow thicker skin and a stronger backbone, but right now - I just feel awful.

hope.

the mornings have been awful for me. i am shaking. inside and out. the anxiety is so intense that i just don't know exactly how to stop it. i just want this displaced energy to leave my body. i'm worried about so many things. mostly him, and where we stand. we had a really good day yesterday, i think i even got him to smile a bit -- which makes me feel absolutely ecstatic. i felt really great making jokes and even hearing the sound of my own laughter. i pushed myself a little harder than usual bc it truly makes me beyond happy just to make him smile. i want him to be happy with me just as bad as i want myself to be happy with me. i was told to not worry about other people's emotions right now , and to just focus on myself and to do what's best for me . . but how is that possible, when loving him and making him happy is the number one thing in my life that makes me feel anywhere remotely close to feeling okay? another catch 22 i suppose. no matter what though - i am not giving up. it bothers me so much bc i feel like there is this little voice inside of me screaming, MAR BE HAPPY! YOU KNOW YOU ARE SO HAPPY RIGHT! ITS OKAY TO LAUGH! ITS OKAY TO SMILE! .. but every time i try to, tears swell up instead. what am i so afraid of? i deserve all of the happiness in the world, and i do want to share it with literally everyone. most people would assume that i'm selfish. but to be honest, i love doing things for others, i love making others smile and laugh. i don't necessarily love the obstacles that were thrown at me, but i do love my life right now and everyone who is in it. i just wish i could actually show them, the right way.

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” - Albert Einstein

ciao,

m

holy hell it's hard to fix my life.

and expensive.

one step at a time.

sometimes i wish i could just pick up all of my things and just run far, far away from here. i wonder, where would i go? and mostly, who would i be? would i be happier? stronger? to be unknown doesn't scare me, it's actually welcoming. being alone is what absolutely terrifies the daylights out of me.

my neurotic tendencies are pushing away the people i love the most - my family, my friends, and even my boyfriend. in the moment i always believe that something is wrong with them and that they are attacking me. but it is indeed, my problem. i get so worked up and nervous that i act way out of line and literally drive them all away.

search engine. go.

what am i looking for? what is it that i need to see? every now and then i find myself searching for something. for what? i'm not really sure. is it that important to be in the know? am i looking for something to compare myself to? do i even want to make that comparison? the questions go on and on. deeper and deeper until i almost feel literal pain. it's almost obsessive. maybe it's better off this way, not knowing the who, what, where's of this person.

one thing is for sure, i wish i could make my life as much of a mystery as she has.

ciao,

m

today we celebrated jacqueline's 13th birthday ! everyone had such an amazing time. it felt so good to be in a room full of people who absolutely LOVE each other - celebrating LIFE ! ( especially when that "life" belongs to my sister )

i love my brother and sister so much words cannot even describe. they are honestly my pride and joy. i'm so proud of everything they have accomplished already in their short lives. they are seriously going to change the world somehow in their own little way.

i have no regrets in any way - i gave up my own life for these kids when mommy passed away. and it just goes to show that it has definitely paid off. is it safe to say i'm proud of myself as well? these kids are a reflection of me, and exactly the way my mother would have raised them if she were still with us. it's definitely hard doing something when you're trying to please the most stubborn angel in heaven. but you know what? everything has been worth it. pain, sweat, blood, tears - everything. the smile on my sister's face is pure evidence.

it's in my plan to keep these kids happy and well-grounded. i sound repetitive, but i love them so much. i lost yet another friend this week to suicide and i'm making a promise right now to myself and the ones that i love that i will NEVER again think of suicide as the answer. people need me in this world - especially those two kids. i don't ever want to cause them, or anyone else for the matter, that pain that i have felt over and over again. there has to be another way . . .

i just want everyone to celebrate their life tonight. people say that there are no second chances in life - but i honestly believe that i have received that second chance. not quite there yet - but i'm almost back to life.

ciao,

m

insomniac queen.

i can't sleep so i figured i'd make some use out of this thing. waking up in the middle of the night, uncomfortable; anxious; nervous - has been all too familiar the past few weeks. i don't know what i'm so worried about. life is actually pretty good. for once, i don't have too much to stress over. could that be it? could i be afraid that this all is 'too good to be true' ? whatever the situation is, i hope that my mind & body will figure something out and relax, because i LOVE to sleep and i haven't been able to peacefully in quite some time. in the morning i'm going to go for a jog and then a dance class. i need to get rid of some of this negative energy somehow !

ciao.