hope.

the mornings have been awful for me. i am shaking. inside and out. the anxiety is so intense that i just don't know exactly how to stop it. i just want this displaced energy to leave my body. i'm worried about so many things. mostly him, and where we stand. we had a really good day yesterday, i think i even got him to smile a bit -- which makes me feel absolutely ecstatic. i felt really great making jokes and even hearing the sound of my own laughter. i pushed myself a little harder than usual bc it truly makes me beyond happy just to make him smile. i want him to be happy with me just as bad as i want myself to be happy with me. i was told to not worry about other people's emotions right now , and to just focus on myself and to do what's best for me . . but how is that possible, when loving him and making him happy is the number one thing in my life that makes me feel anywhere remotely close to feeling okay? another catch 22 i suppose. no matter what though - i am not giving up. it bothers me so much bc i feel like there is this little voice inside of me screaming, MAR BE HAPPY! YOU KNOW YOU ARE SO HAPPY RIGHT! ITS OKAY TO LAUGH! ITS OKAY TO SMILE! .. but every time i try to, tears swell up instead. what am i so afraid of? i deserve all of the happiness in the world, and i do want to share it with literally everyone. most people would assume that i'm selfish. but to be honest, i love doing things for others, i love making others smile and laugh. i don't necessarily love the obstacles that were thrown at me, but i do love my life right now and everyone who is in it. i just wish i could actually show them, the right way.

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” - Albert Einstein

ciao,

m

holy hell it's hard to fix my life.

and expensive.

one step at a time.